Tuesday, 28 June 2016

The British Insult Generator


It is told in legend that Arthur, King of the Britons, lies not dead for all eternity but, as the once and future king, will return in his country's hour of need. And so Last Django, the once and future blog, returns once more in an hour of dire need to help its readers push the boundaries of foul language.

You see, recently Donald Trump visited Scotland; and Americans were delighted to find, via twitter, that the British rouse themselves to creative bad language as a matter of course, beyond the boorish American commonplaces 'asshole', 'douchebag', 'chicken-sucker' and 'mater-lover'.

Laddish banter that is strewn around wantonly in British conversation on an everyday basis fell upon impoverished American ears like manna from Basildon, astounding them with its flights of verbal creativity and leading to plaintive pleas for a day-by-day British Insult Calendar to help them push the envelope of swear..

Which I have no intention of writing, because it sounds like hard work.

Instead, there is an easier way - mix and match. Simply take a word (or several) from List 1, then follow it up with a compound created from Lists 2 and 3 using the magic of hyphens, and bingo - a laddish British insult which would not be out of place outside a Romford chippy of a Friday night:

LIST 1                                                         
Tiny-fingered, witless, inbred, stoat-fondling, sausage fingered, ham-faced, pea-brained, colossal, massive, feckless, mangled, mis-shapen, dung-breathed, whey-faced, vacant-eyed, moon-faced, eel-strangling, ferret-legging, jug-eared

cock, twat, fuck, jizz, shit, turd, goat, felch, rat, spoon

LIST 3                     
gibbon, ferret, badger, weasel, pillock, wazzock, stain, splat, nozzle, monger, trumpet, goblin, monkey,  womble

So by a simple mix-and-match process, our American cousins can soon be addressing each other as "colossal turd-monkey", "feckless jizz-gibbon" and "witless, stoat-fondling fuck-nozzle".

It's a public service, really.