Tuesday, 10 March 2009

"Daddy - why are there no pop songs about fossils?"

A good and compelling question, I trust you'll agree, and one that Djangolina asked me the other day.

In an attempt to fill this void, I composed for her the following lyric, to be sing to the tune (if that's the word I'm looking for) of Miss Dynamite's eponymous theme-song:

When you're digging through the strata underneath your house
And you come across a fossil like a three-part woodlouse
Don't think it's a dead-end with no eyesight -
It had eyes made from rods of calcite
It's Miss Trilobite-ee-ee
She's found in rocks paleozoic - what a stoic!
It's Miss Trilobite-ee-ee
Don't ever think that she's demented - she's just segmented

When you're strolling along on a Dorset beach
And you're looking for a fossil that's within your reach
Just look around your feet, and there without fail
You'll see a fossil that looks somewhat like a snail
It's Miss Ammonite-ee-ee
She's found throughout the rocks Jurassic - zone-fossil classic
Miss Ammonite-ee-ee
A kind of Nautilus that's early - her shelll is curly

If you're digging through chalk you may just see the glint
Of a finger-shaped fossil like a lipstick made of flint
You may throw it aside, but just think what you did -
You've thrown out the arse of a squid
It's Miss Belemnite-ee-ee
She's found throughout the rocks cretaceous - she's silicaceous
It's Miss Belemnite-ee-ee
It's just her tail that turns quite stony - she wasn't bony.

[Pause]

Djangolina: OK Daddy, now I understand.
Me (proudly): About zone fossils?
Djangolina: No, about why nobody writes songs about them. That was rubbish.

29 comments:

Gadjo Dilo said...

Astonishing! And should be a piece of piss for a rapper - for a start, the names of all fossilised reptiles end in "-aurus".

No Good Boyo said...

I have a vision of you performing this at some school function, dressed as a vicar. And young Djangolina denying all knowledge of you.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

You should have sold that to the writers of "Friends" for Ross, the nerdy Jewish palaeontologist.

scarlet-blue said...

Ahhh.. I thought it was sweet.. and I'm just back from Dorset. They don't like you to fiddle with the fossils.
Sx

Gyppo Byard said...

Gadjo - Why, thank you. I trust this now makes clear certain earlier conversations about men in anoraks and Welshmen with hammers...

Boyo - oddly enough, her demurral was more due to the fact that I suggested *she* sing it in public. Although as you well know I have previous form appearing in comic/satirical skits dressed as a vicar...

Dapphers - It is a point of considerable pride to me that I have never seen an episode of 'Friends' (along with not owning a pair of jeans). I therefore clearly missed out on the chance to earn some extra moolah. Damn.

Scarls - Dorset is indeed quite twitchy, after they caught some rogue amateur fossil hunter hammering at the ammonite pavement. I'm sure you were merely planning to pick up loose bits, like any responsible person.

Mrs Pouncer said...

I think you need a proper platform for this. Think how thrilled your little girl would be to see you in full throat on a makeshift stage outside Waitrose! Or on an upturned crate by Boots; or ask Bill for a pitch outside Oxfam Books - it could all be for charidee.

Gyppo Byard said...

Dear Mrs P - I was momentarily flattered when you mentioned the need for me to have a proper platform, until I noticed the suggestion of a crate outside Boots...

Wordver: prabl - a moralistic religious tale in the form of a text message.

No Good Boyo said...

Is a amoeba a fossil? Neil Innes wrote Amoeba Boogie. I liked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHF6jTO_wEg

Gyppo Byard said...

Boyo - microfossils are notoriously hard to find. Stromatolite-building cyanobacteria are probably the easiest to see (look up the Canadian gunflint cherts, for instance). Although curiously, the amoeba is useful for clubbing creationists to death with (metaphorically speaking) when they try that bone-headed 'can you name a mutation which adds information?' crap, since its genome has many times more information than a human genome.

No Good Boyo said...

Yeah, but is a amoeba a fossil?

Gyppo Byard said...

Um, yes Chesney, it's a fossil.

Mrs Boyo said...

Gadjo, it's taken me months to teach him that it's not "a moeba".

Let's keep his real name to ourselves, shall we?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Mrs Boyo, the dimmest of my twins, when describing jewels and gems (which was surprisingly often; noblesse oblige) used to say a ruby, a sapphire, a garnet etc., but always AN diamond. Years later, I worked out that this was because I would often park them in front of Good Morning With Anne and Nick whilst I self-medicated in the garden. Of course, this was before Miss Diamond porked out and went in for gastric band surgery.

scarlet-blue said...

Where've you gone Mr Gyppo???
Are you working or has Mr Boyo abducted you?
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

???
Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Obviously abducted.

He's being held under armed guard while he gives banjolele recitations of "My Grandad's Belemnite Nightshirt"

No Good Boyo said...

Gyppo's whereabouts are indeed a mystery. I've even checked Mrs Boyo's cellar, now that she's busy tutoring young Bendigeidfran in the arts of Cossackery. Mind you, I think I found the Spear of Destiny down there, if anyone's interested.

Mrs Pouncer said...

I'll keep dropping in just in case, you know ...

Scarlet-Blue said...

I just saw Mr Gyppo at Gadj's! I was a mere moment behind him... we almost touched...
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Crikey this post is so old that it still has pics of Mrs P pretending to be a tea cup.
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Oh he's been to mine, Scarla. Talking about Raw Meat 3, as per.

Scarlet-Blue said...

*SOB* Are you ever coming back? Has Mr Boyo done something really mean to you? Shall I slap him?
Sx

No Good Boyo said...

This gets better and better.

word verification: uggle.

Scarlet-Blue said...

WV: foeyeolo - which has got to be Welsh. Or Spanish.
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Gyppo, have you heard about Swine Fever where you are? Pig's 'Ere, as the soaraway sun had it on Monday. It's The Swill Of The People.

Here are some jokes, folks:

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.


Knock knock

who's there

Biggish

Biggish who?

No thanks, mate.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Took me ages to get that joke, Mrs P...
Anyhow... did you link to my post Gyppo? Have you blown a fuse? Are you being re-wired? Am I imagining things? Did I press something I shouldn't have done? Are you really Scarlet-Blue?
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

I don't understand! Now you're linked to my next post.... what did I press??? This will drive me crazy...
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Oh... they've gone...
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Just thought I'd pop in...
Sx