Thursday, 24 June 2010

World Cup games as they *should* be played: North Korea vs South Korea

Alas for me, who cannot raise any level of enthusiasm about football on any level, let alone the World Cup. It doesn't even have the mildly entertaining residual political spite of Eurovision, the voting of which can be predicted quite accurately without hearing the songs (in fact that's preferable to hearing the songs, any of which are capable of melting a musically-trained brain).

And on thinking that, it all became clear to me: If we put international relations and football together, slack-trousered youths would take more of an interest and the games would be far more interesting to people like me who care not a jot for sport.

So in the usual helpful spirit of public enlightenment that regular readers of this blog (both of them!) have come to rely on, LastDjango offers a match summary of North Korea vs South Korea (aka "The Korean Match").

Pre-kickoff: The US assistant coach tells journalists that the South Korean penalty area "is not part of his defensive perimeter".

1 min - The North Koreans kick off (with encouragement from Russian consultant coach J. Stalin) and quickly put together a strong move into the South Korean half. South Korea claims it wasn't ready. North Korea score.

5 mins - The South Korean manager pulls nine of his players off and substitutes them with members of an international all-star XI, who quickly overwhelm the North Korean defence and equalise. International all-star XI celebrate by trying to introduce freedom, democracy and random death in the North Korean half. South Korean fans start singing "Inch-on, Inch-on, with hope in your heart..."

7 mins - As North Korea kick off, the pitch is invaded by 473 "Chinese volunteer players" who stabilise the situation in midfield.

10 mins - a US player is brought down by a Chinese opponent. The US player is evacuated by helicopter and handed over to the care of Maj. 'Hotlips' Houlihan and her magic sponge. The game is temporarily halted while several hundred 40-something geeks who watched MASH as sex-starved teenagers in the late 70s roll about on the pitch hoping vainly for similar treatment.

13-90 mins - The game degenerates into a pointless stalemate on the halfway line, which is eventually de-footballized and across which the two teams glare at each other impotently.

As of writing time several hours later, the game has yet to end officially.


No Good Boyo said...

"the game has yet to end officially"

Sounds like Wimbledon, another pointless sport that attracts harridan women and misshapen mummy's boys.

Round balls my arse. A proper sport uses something elliptical and a team of meaty Welsh tripod men.

Sauti Ndogo said...

You and me both, Gyppo, on our lack on interest in football.

For me, it's also a lack of knowledge. In 1996 I committed a mondegreen when I misheard a line in "Three Lions" as "Jewels remain still gleaming". Of course, I was pained by the tautology of "remain still" but couldn't think of anything else. As Goethe said, "Man only hears what he knows."

Only later did I learn of some Frenchie called Jules Rimet.

inkspot said...

When I was a boy footballs were soggy and under-inflated and twice my size and weight and kicking them broke your ankle. Life is so much better now that the game has been sub-contracted to the Asians.

Gadjo Dilo said...

"slack-trousered youths would take more of an interest" - football was originally promoted as an antidote to masturbation, wasn't it? I don't know if the Koreans have a penchant for that sort of beastliness, but it wouldn't do any harm putting them through 90 mins of mud-encrusted misery just to be on the safe side.

Gyppo Byard said...

Boyo - "A proper sport uses something elliptical and a team of meaty Welsh tripod men" - we could try marketing zero-G tug-o-war. Even more interminable than cricket!

Sauti - When I heard that song I though it was "Three lines on a shirt" and assumed it was advocating Adidas or cocaine. Or both.

Inky - The same was true of the girls, in my experience. Or was that just me?

Gadjo - Clearly it failed, given the number of w***ers who play now...

Sauti Ndogo said...

Gadjo - admirable thoughts, but aren't you thinking of cornflakes (invented by anti-self-abuse brothers John and William Kellogg)?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gyppo, quite.

Sauti, I suspect you may be correct, though the Kellogg brothers were surely even more concerned with keeping young peoples' bowels open, for reasons they kept to themselves.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I look forward to hearing the Arab-Israeli conflict retold as a game of tiddleywinks. Jews remain still gleaming.

Play on ...