Saturday, 23 August 2008

Bald Brummies!

My esteemed colleague and bald Welch No Good Boyo recently pointed out the undeniable but inadequately acknowledged truth that England's greatest writer was a Bald Brummie. Which led me to the obvious thought of who else would make a list of the greatest Bald Brummies of all time. Let us start with the following. All suggestions for inclusion in a future, longer list will be treated with all the respect they're due.

William Shakespeare

The man that got the whole 'Bald Brummie' thing going. Purists will argue that Stratford-upon-Avon isn't in Birmingham, but purists can fook roight off. Shakespeare isn't for purists; he was a proud midlander through and through and - like midlanders today - took a lot of stick for his accent. And he beat the poncy southerners at their own game, so fair play.

Jasper Carrott

Britain's top professional Brummie. Need I say more about his major contributions to art, culture and siring the fabulous Lucy Davies?

Michael Balcon
Born in Birmingham to an East European Jewish immigrant family, he became on of Britain's greatest film producers. Two highlights of his long career stand out - he was the man who first got Alfred Hitchcock to direct, and he presided of the Ealing studios at the time they made the string of immortal comedies for which the studio is best know. He also helped many flee Nazi Germany in the 1930s. A life jolly well spent, all things considered.

Matthew Boulton

Industrialist, key figure in the Birmingham Enlightenment ('The Lunar Society' and its offshoots), technological innovator who helped kick-start the steam age and social reformer. Pioneered corporate structure rather than using outworkers, refused to employ children, and introduced social insurance for his workers. All-round good egg.

Dave Pegg

Bass player, member of Fairport Convention and Jethro Tull, founder of the excellent Cropredy Festival, and bald rights activist.

JRR Tolkien

A man with ambiguous feelings about his Brummiosity; lived most of his life in Oxford and based his description of Mordor on the city (while The Shire was Worcestershire, by the way).

Barbara Cartland

Few realise she was born in Edgbaston and educated at Alice Ottley - the posh bints' school in Worcestershire with the pervy gymslip uniforms. Once a year the scummy likes of Black Country comprehensive-school kids (e.g. me) were allowed to go to Worcester for the county music festival and sneer at the Alic Ottley girls publicly while drooling inwardly. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes - Barbara Cartland. Bald? Well, in her later years, yes. Sorry.

Francis Galton

Cousin of Charles Darwin, eugenicist, tropical explorer and instigator of pamspermia experiments on rabbits which today would get him sectioned under the mental health act but which at the time led to him being showered with honours by his grateful country. Yet another way in which we are going downhill as a civilisation - even our mad scientists have nothing on their Victorian and Edwardian ancestors.


Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah, it had to happen sooner or later: Bald Brummies finally getting the recognition that they deserve. I thought that Galton was a very creepy man, though, perhaps it would have been better to have kept quiet about him. And replaced him with.... Sir Winston Fooking Churchill!!!! Born in Woodstock, so is as Brummie as Tolkien by your reckoning. Also, by the same token, so is Chief Superintendent Strange off of TV's Inspector Morse.

No Good Boyo said...

Kelly Groucutt, ELO bass-player and general moustache model. Bald, you ask?

Check his website:

And I'm not bald, I've just got very fine hair. My mam says so.

Gyppo Byard said...

So fine it has to be kept in a locked cabinet at home...
Embrace your baldness gladly. Come out of the closet and polish your head like a man, Boyo!

Mrs Pouncer said...

In my experience, bald men can be very boastful. My dear old grandfather was a theatrical perruquier, and heard tales of great excess as he was gluing up hairfree pates. He once applied an expensive wig to Jack Profumo.

Gyppo Byard said...

Mrs Pouncer - you are indeed a sight for sore pates. What happened to your blog?

No Good Boyo said...

You'll have to take it up with my mother, Gyppo.

Good luck.