Tuesday, 22 September 2009

An opportunity sadly missed

Driving home the other day, I spotted fraudulent stage conjurer Mr Uri Geller wandering along looking like the tragically new-age pillock he undoubtedly is. (No, this wasn't someone who looked a bit like him, I do actually drive past his house on a daily basis. Like most rationalists, I love honest stage magicians like Penn and Teller, James Randi and Derren Brown - all of whom are far better than Geller has ever been - and have the deepest, most bilious contempt for exploitative fakes like Geller.)

Only after passing him did it strike me that I had just missed a glorious opportunity to run the smegger over, or perhaps shout hurtful abuse from my car window.

And then it occurred to me that the two beautiful things about running over Uri Geller would be:

1) You wouldn't hurt him, since he has miraculous healing powers, apparently. So you could do it on a daily basis and never feel guilty.

2) Think of the fun you could have with the police interview:
Inspector Knacker: Now then Gyppo, you say you didn't ram Mr Geller with your car.
Me: That's right, bor.
IK: But there is clearly a Uri Geller-shaped dent in your front bumper and bonnet.
Me: I didn't touch him - he did that from a distance with his mind-powers, just like he does with they spoons.
IK: Fair enough, You can go then...


The Jules said...

Do you think he's fed up with people shouting "Bender!" at him?

Kerrie said...

I just popped in via Scarlets blog and I just laughed a lot.
I am not a fan of the happy clappy hippy club to which Uri is clearly a life time member. I also think he must have a serious shortage of cutlery at home.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Hello Kerrie!
I love Derren. I've been watching him avidly on C4 since his first series. I think The Séance was the best special he did, which really debunked all that spiritualist mumbo jumbo. I'd be very scared to meet him though.

Oh... yes... please run Geller over. Or perhaps we should set Mrs P on him?

Gyppo Byard said...

Jules - Don't know, but it's worth a try.

Kerrie - Welcome, and thank you. The sketch "tea with Uri Geller" almost writes itself, doesn't it?

Scarls - It's so tempting, really it is. Would setting Mrs P on him be cruel and unusual punishment? Or are they in fact acquainted?

Roberta Fleck said...

Hello Mr. G-B,

You've disappointed the nation there with your unforgivable non-running over of Geller.

Incidentally, it's not a widely known fact, but Uri is actually short for Urine.

(It's Slavic, or something...)



p.s.: Hello Kerrie!

Gyppo Byard said...

Berta - I offer my humble apologies. In my defence, by the time I'd realised it was Geller I'd gone past him on a single-file light-controlled narrow bridge with a bunch of people behind me and no option of turning round. And I was only doing 20 so I'd probably have done nothing more than scoop him onto the bonnet with slightly bruised shins. But even so...

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Wot? Uri Geller lives in READING? And Mrs P? This could be a crypto settlement.

Gyppo Byard said...

Geller actually has a house in Sonning, although IIRC he offered to help Reading Royals FC gain promotion with the aide of his "psychic powers" a few years back.

No prizes for guessing whether it worked or not.