Thursday, 22 October 2009

Jeremy Kyle - the answer to global conflict

One of the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures is an unhealthy addiction to the Jeremy Kyle show. It's a sort of human version of those "Police, Camera, Unbelievably Thick Tosser in a Stolen Ford Escort" programmes that also rank among my guilty pleasures. I suppose the warm glow they occasion stems from a deep-seated smugness that however much one's wife complains about "getting too close to the kerb" when one is colliding with a lamppost or whingeing about 5 minutes spent filling in an innocent Sudoku while one's small children amuse themselves with knives, weedkiller sprays and pans of boiling water; there are others who are even worse at managing their daily lives.

Anyway, it struck me recently that if world leaders are serious about global peace and disarmament, they should appoint Jezzer secretary-general of the UN and have all peace conferences on daytime TV.

We can imagine what the result would look like:

JK: On Today's show - exes at war over nuclear weapons [Video clip of North Korea shouting at South: "Well you go runnin' off with America an' that, warram I s'pposed ter think? Eh?", and South shouting back "Tell them about the violence. You didn't mention that to the researchers, didja? You invaded me!"]

And a country that desperately wants to be father to it's ex's breakaway province [Video clip of JK intoning gravely - "Russia, Georgia: The DNA results show that the biological father of South Ossetia is -"]

That's all coming up later. But first, a family dispute that's dragged on for a long time, and threatened to involve the whole neighbourhood. Lots to unravel in this story. Now first up we have India. India has been arguing for years with sister Pakistan over a disputed cashmere. Please welcome India.
[India walks onstage and sits down nervously. If you can imagine such a thing.]
JK: Welcome to the show.
I: Good morning Jeremy.
JK: Now if we can go back a bit - you have been arguing about a lot of things even before this dispute we're here to talk about today.
I: Yes, even when Raj was alive we used to argue about religion a lot.
JK: Raj was your mother, yes?
I: Yes Jeremy.
JK: Please let's not get onto religion, but can you just tell us the sort of arguments you had?
I: Well Pakistan was always causing trouble, mistreating the cow, lookin' down like on anyone who thought diff'rently an' all. And after Raj passed on we decided to go our separate ways.
JK: Fair enough. So you wanted a clean break and to have nothing more to do with her.
I: Yes Jeremy - I could go my way and she could go hers and as far as I'm concerned, at the end o'the day, we're not related any more.
JK: But this current dispute is over a cashmere?
I: Yes - Raj had promised it to me as I'd always liked it, but at the funeral Pakistan made a scene and grabbed at it, tore it in half, and has kept her half saying she'll only sew it back together if I hand my half over to her.
JK: Which you're not prepared to do...
I: Which I'm certainly not prepared to do, Jeremy.
JK: OK, now take a breather. After the break, we'll talk to Pakistan and hear her side of the story. Don't go anywhere...


The Jules said...

Mr Kyle could then expect to get the nobel peace prize, following in the hallowed footsteps of Archbishop Trisha.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

If Jez doesn't sort it out the UN will have to impose the ultimate sanction.

Jerry Springer.

Kerrie said...

Jeremy makes me want to jump into the television and kill him. I am afraid my feelings for him really are that strong. He would never get through the whole India, Pakistan peice without saying and don't forget there are children involved here.I actually prefer the people he drags out of the gutter to the man himself.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I'm not going anywhere, I'm rivetted. I've never seen this show, but there may be a Wisdom Of Solomon type possibility coming up which I suspect a man such as this Kyle wouldn't be able to pass up.

No Good Boyo said...

This certainly beats my idea putting Welsh peacekeepers in everywhere in order to:

a. fill our Cambrian coffers

b. keep us in new fighting partners and

c. show these foreigners that they would really be better off sorting things out themselves.

Kyle is a Reading lad, I believe. Once again Royal Berkshire skims the scum off our national broth.

Gyppo Byard said...

Jules - At the end of the day, like, he will step up to the mark as UN Secretary-General, like.

Dapphers - I see Springer more as the commander of peacekeeping operations. His security guys could keep Israel and Palestine apart for certain.

Kerrie - I'm addicted to his show; that doesn't necessarily mean I like him. And I was coming to the kids in Pt 2.

Gadjo - As I said to Kerrie, stand by for Pt 2.

Boyo - I demand you blog your plans for "Welsh Ruck-making forces" that appeared on the legendary Taffinform a few years back.

No Good Boyo said...

Ah, Gyppo, long lost. I'll see what I can do. I sent it to my then Iraqi squeeze, who rapidly become my former Iraqi squeeze.

Anonymous said...

You could also play free sudoku puzzles online at

the0rangetree said...

Seems the Nobel Committee agree with you!