In the effort once more to catch the attention of the major channels, I shall offer up again some programme ideas that would be at least better than half the appalling drivel that graces my screen.
Britain's Got Talons - A show in which birds of prey from all over the UK compete in a series of falconry and singing challenges, the winner of each (species-based) round being decided by a combination of phone-vote and Simon Cowell's toupee being carried off by a Golden Eagle.
What's in that Rock? - Palaeontology quiz hosted by geomorphologists' crumpet Hermione Cockburn in which professionals (e.g. Shubin, Conway-Morris, Fortey) would be teamed with celebrity fossil enthusiasts (e.g. David Attenborough, Alex James, Mark Gattiss etc) to identify fossil-bearing rocks on camera. I'd watch it...
Police, Camera, Action-Man! - Teams of policemen compete to make stop-motion animated films featuring action men.
Cashews in the Attic - A camera follows Mrs Byard and myself for a fortnight as we struggle through our overcrowded loft to try to find a bag of nuts we were sure we'd left up there.
Hannah Monsanto - Miley Cyrus gets genetically modified.
The Top 100 Polkas - Three-hour countdown show mixing old footage intercut with amusing reminiscences and witless fan-speak from radio DJs and stand-up comics.
Serious offers from channel heads only, please.
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10 comments:
With respect, why are you looking for a bag of nuts in your attic, Gyppo? Aisle 13, Tescos, 69p a bag (or 75p for the dry roasted).
Gadjo - you're a nice chap, but you're clearly a virgin when it comes to 2kg bags of Javanese garlic-roast cashews (all food parcels from in-laws gratefully received). The stuff in Tesco's Aisle 13 is but NHS methadone to the pure China White of the Javanese version. It's just not the same.
Test Card Special is my favourite. After garlic-roast cashews that is. How do I get your in-laws to adopt me?
Inky old chap - I'm afraid they're currently out of daughters, but there are some teenage nieces due to come online quite soon. And I love the concept of "Test Card Special". Who would commentate?
Gyppo, I stand (very) corrected. Test Card Special could work, "Blowers" could simply discuss the pigeons flying overhead like he used to do when there was rain.
What's in that, Rock? - Palaeontology quiz hosted by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, wrestler and star of The Scorpion King - a film for all the family. He would be twinned with Hermione Cockburn in a single ditch, and take his shirt off a lot. Shubin, Conway-Morris, Fortey et al will learn a cruel lesson about ratings-driven TV.
The Sid Vicious rock 'n' roll death of the year awards. Extra points awarded for double suicides (a la Hutchence & Yates), murder plus suicide (a la Sid), shooting (rappers have an edge here), on-stage electrocution, motorcycle crash, heroin overdose, sex games gone wrong.
Conflating Boyos' and Daphne's ideas, even now there's probably an E! team working up a proposal involving celebrity petrologists shoving large rocks up pop stars' arses.
Been done by the mighty Roger Mellie once hosted "Celebrity Bumhole", in which Slattery-level TV punchbags had endoscopes introduced to their hind quarters. Still, some flintstones would be cheaper.
Gadjo - I firmly believe that should Armageddon arrive, the BBC should employ Blowers to commentate on it in order to keep the population calm.
Boyo - Once again I am struck by the tragedy that your Sky 1 mind is cruelly trapped in a BBC body.
Daphne - Pitch that as a countdown show to Channel 4 and I would give even odds on it being made...
Kevin - intriguing. And oddly watchable. We could indeed call it 'Meet the Flinstones'.
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