Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Things people wouldn't say to my face...

... but might post on my blog.

Like, what do you think of my moustache? I mean, seriously?

I realise that there are those who hold strong opinions on the question of facial hair. My goatee, swordburns and pony tail are firmly in the past (to the relief of some, I'm sure); but I maintain the 'tache and would, indeed, feel naked without it.

Mrs Byard likes it (good enough reason to maintain it, one would think), but has set down strict rules about length. I am not permitted to allow it to straggle over my top lip, nor can I comb it out sideways and wax it in a manner reminiscent of Kaiser Wilhelm or Wilfred Makepeace Lunn (which I would if permitted to do so).

I originally grew it while living in Indonesia, where the moustache is a common attribute of manhood. Likewise, I am comfortably at home amid those of the Turkish or Middle-Eastern persuasion. Yet there is still unspoken prejudice against slug-balancers in the UK.

Why? What's wrong with having a 'tache, for Kitchener's sake?

19 comments:

scarlet-blue said...

"Like, what do you think of my moustache? I mean, seriously?"

Why would I ask you that to your face? I don't have a moustache...
Sx

Gyppo Byard said...

Gah!
OK, would you tell me to my face what you thought of my moustache?

This is like people (like me, on occasion, it must be said) who answer the question "Could you tell me the time?" with the single word "Yes".

Gadjo Dilo said...

I'm envious - I can't grow one. If I did it would have to be a foot thick in order for the skin underneath it to not to be visible to the naked eye.

Ah, I fell for that so many times in Denmark: "can I use your toilet?"; "yes", came the grinning reply. Comedy? Schmomedy.

scarlet-blue said...

Yes, I would tell you to your face what I thought of your moustache.
For all I know, it might suit you.

Gadj? A foot thick??

Sx

Gyppo Byard said...

Scarlet - Myself, my daughter, and a Javan leopard (I'll leave you to work out which is which):

http://s76.photobucket.com/albums/j16/timbul53525253/?action=view&current=Indonesia314.jpg

Mrs Pouncer said...

Jeez, Gyppo, I know YOU! Daughter's name R______? (Extremely clever, and doesn't she have a hyphenated surname?) I recognise you from school. I was one of the ghastly mothers who zoomed up to the church with nanoseconds to spare in a 4x4 and decanted the children in a flurry of husked imprecations about dinner money. Always wearing dark glasses, too much makeup, smoking, pulling over sharply to take a phone call. You MUST know me!
Nice tache, btw.

(OH GOD! Word vert. flush!!!!)

Gyppo Byard said...

Well, there we go! (Right on both counts, btw - she is called R____, and we do have a double-barrelled name. Modesty forbids me from saying whether she's extremely clever. I think she is, but I'm biased).

As for the tache, it hides part of my face and therefore probably a good thing on balance...

scarlet-blue said...

Goodness me! The Javan Leppard looks a little worried.

I can only make a proper judgement on the tache if I can see a pic of you without one. But as taches go it seems in good shape.
Sx

Gyppo Byard said...

A propos the worried leopard - this was, as the logo on the wall implies, at a safari park in Indonesia where rules on animal handling aren't so strict as you would expect in the UK. My daughter, being mad keen on animals, of course wanted to handle/have her pic taken with anything going.

So against my better judgment I was persuaded to have a live, unsedated leopard placed on my wedding tackle.

"Oh" said the photographer after arranging the animal artictically, "Don't make any sudden movements whatever you do," a phrase guaranteed to destroy any residual trust we may have had in the enterprise. Hence my "Please please PLEASE get this over as quickly as possible so I can put a large amount of ground and several stout walls between me and this animal" expression.

scarlet-blue said...

But it's only a kitten leopard really, you needed an extra large ball of wool.
Sx

Apologies for spelling 'leopard' wrong... right under my nose... that's the 2nd time I've done that today.

M C Ward said...

I'd say it's a fine length, makes you look like a fiesty Australian opener or pornstar or both. (Cue innuendo regarding bat handles, swingers and waiting for a tickle...)

Kevin Musgrove said...

It's a good workmanlike tache, as worn by young blades in John Buchan novels.

My moustache, which I hid behind for twenty years, had a distressing habit of growing in four directions, with two distinct ginger "canine teeth" when given half a chance. (For Scarlet's benefit: although my hair's naturaly dark there's enough red in there for large parts of my moustache and beard to have been ginger.) I had to take the moustache and beard off in the end: the ginger stuff was the last bit to go white and I looked like I was halfway through eating a tortoiseshell cat. (I went white prematurely, of course, seeing as I'm barely climbing my way out of my teenage years).

scarlet-blue said...

Lets not mention my ginger tache Kev...
Sx

Scaryduck said...

My facial hair days are now firmly in the past. However, I attribute at least one promotion within these walls to an excellent goatee nowadays modelled by Rafa Benitez.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Lovely looking tache, daughter and leopard - you've got the full set. You're a fast-medium Australian opening bowler, I'd say!

Gyppo Byard said...

Scarlet - It was a mother, actually; its kitten was nearby but the other side of me, Yet another factor in making me feel safe and relaxed...
Mr Ward - Yes, quite!
Kevin - Thank you. Mine has the odd ginger hair here and there but you have to look closely to see them. The felinophagy image had me laughing out loud.
Scaryduck - I can't think who you mean (flutters eyelashes innocently)
Gadjo - Thank you! Merve the Swerve, eh?

No Good Boyo said...

I sported a Van Dyke in Tashkent. The local Sarts were scant of beard and admired my fungus. The fanciable Russian girl down the booze kiosk, when asked whether she liked it, replied "Of course not!" Byebye beaver.

Wordver: hototor - Mongolian postal address.

Pearl said...

My dear gyppo,
I suspect, if you and I were to meet, I would fall over backward with admiration. You've a wit I've read of, which in U.S. terms means that you're educated and charming.

Excuse me, but I've had a bit to drink tonight and so glad that you've visited me that I'm just a bit silly.

What can I say but that I love it?

Have a lovely day; and do tell me if there's a meaning behind "gyppo byard", as I suspect that it means something but what, I have no idea...

Pearl

Gyppo Byard said...

M'dear Pearl -
"Gyppo" is the second most insulting term for someone of Romani blood (I am in fact a 'Brit' as people your side of the pond call us, of partial Romani blood - 'Didacoi' is the technically correct term for a part-Romani). By adopting it, I am helping to reclaim the term in the same way that African-Americans are reclaiming the N-word; in the same way your newly-elected president (congratulations on that, btw) might term himself "Mulatto Obama". Not that that's going to happen, obviously. He hasn't got a blog, for one thing.

Gosh, that makes it all sound uncharacteristically worthy and serious, doesn't it?

Sorry - I'll get back to being heavy-handedly witty immediately, shall I?