Wednesday, 7 July 2010

World Cup games as they *should* be played: England vs Spain


Pre-kickoff: Spanish manager Philip II orders Italian designer boots for his team, unfortunately failing to realize that Italian boot sizes are different from Spanish ones and thus creating a problem that will get worse the longer the match continues.

English striker F. Drake - widely tipped by the English press as the man to watch - surprises everyone by making a sudden dash down the wing during the singing of the Spanish national anthem, which ends dramatically with him setting fire to the Spanish goal and stealing the goalkeeper's water bottle, gloves, shorts and head; and then disappearing into the dressing room.

Though somewhat caught off balance by this, the Spanish start strongly, moving into the English half in a crescent formation against which the English defence can do little. Comfort for the home fans comes in the form of English defender Frobisher luring the Spanish striker Galleas onto rocks. Queen Elizabeth leads Tilbury supporters' club in a rousing chant of "You're not rowing any more!"

Half-time: With the still score at nil-nil, Drake reappears to suggest setting fire to several of the more expendable English players and shoving them into the Spanish dressing-room, a plan enthusiastically adopted and carried out.

Second half: Disconcerted Spanish try to mount further attack at which a thunderstorm interrupts game, affecting the taller and more metallic Spanish disproportionately.

85th minute: A late run up the wing for Spain ends in disaster when captain Medina Sidonia is caught by an unexpected Gulf Stream and wrecked on the Irish Coast. If you can imagine such a thing. Queen Elizabeth leads Tilbury supporters' club in a rousing chant of "You only whinge when you're sinking!"

In the absence of the Spanish team the English claim victory by default, while Drake takes possession of the Spanish goalmouth and quickly bangs in a hat-trick, before stealing the man of the match trophy and leaving for Portugal.

8 comments:

No Good Boyo said...

One day all history will be written like this. The Israeli-Arab conflict is more like one of those interminable cricket matches I remember as a boy, but with worse cakes.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I can imagine such a thing. Ah, it brings it all back: Plymouth Ho', crown green bowls, The Golden Hound, Miranda Richardson as Queen Liz, Nell Gwynn - I love history, me.

inkspot said...

History just isn't as much fun as this any more. Instead of Bloody Mary the kids get Mary-of-whom-we-must-not-be-judgmental. Chemistry's the same, I have to teach my daughter how to blow things up myself.

No Good Boyo said...

I believe Gyppo can recommend some history books for your young un, Inky, that place the correct emphasis on moustaches, kedgeree and imaginative use of a split log.

Gyppo Byard said...

Boyo - I shall squirrel away the notion of a John Arlott commentary on the Six-Day War for percolation in the back of what I am pleased to call my mind.

Gadjo - Quite. History not as it was, but as ought to have been.

Inkspot - Being myself a devotee of a branch of science which involves hitting stuff with a hammer, I have had little difficulty in enthusing my children over it. Blowing stuff up is good too though...

Boyo (again) - Recommend it? I co-wrote it. With you.

Sauti Ndogo said...

Great stuff, but you forgot the bit where the Spanish players brought their priests onto the field with them.

Also, to be boring, but as I blogged just tonight, there ain't no singing of the Spanish national anthem as it don't have no words.

inkspot said...

Kedgeree! Ah, kedgeree. The young of today don't even know what a proper cooked breakfast is. When did you last see a devilled kidney? Eh? Exactly.

Gyppo Byard said...

Sauti - Judging from the way most footballers sing, no national anthem has intelligible words. Ever stood next to an Australian while they're trying to sing theirs? It apparently goes "La di da di da di da/ Dum dum dum mumblemumblemumble/Ti tah ti tah ti/AD-VANCE, AU-STRALIA FAIR! The only ones event to attempt it are the Yanks, which is ironic since they have the least singable anthem (by non-singers) of any nation. Serves them right for nicking an English drinking song...

Inkspot - the last time I was aware of a devilled kidney it was mine.